Recently, I’ve been irritated with a few friends who have been criticizing another friend. When it seemed to escalate into inappropriate bad-mouthing, I got very upset. After being with this unpleasantness for more than a week, I decided to journal about it. (Now you know one of my short-comings. I don’t journal when I am really frustrated, and you will see in a moment, that’s a great mistake.)

Good ol’ journaling! Once again, I got amazing realizations. What I wrote was this: “they are mean-spirited … (pause) and unconscious.” Bingo! They aren’t aware how unpleasant their complaining is. Then I wrote, “Why would they be unconscious?” Yes, I actually write out the questions I am asking myself and then I write the answer. “They don’t feel heard.” Oh my, isn’t that true for all of us?

Don’t you hate not being heard? And when you feel unheard, don’t you try to enlist everyone to agree with your side? I think feeling unheard is a national dilemma and I also know that it can put me in a frenzy. In the case I am writing about, even I didn’t feel heard — because I didn’t follow my own suggestions and therefore the discomfort just festered.

Here are some questions I ask clients who feel unheard:

·         What’s the issue you don’t feel heard about?

·         Who do you want to hear you?

·         Who isn’t involved and can’t help but you are telling anyway?

·         What do you want the person who doesn’t hear you to understand?

Then, of course, there’s the telling the appropriate person. How do you do that without starting an argument?

·         Choose the appropriate time and place. (No one is angry, there aren’t any distractions, and there’s ample time for a solution to arise.)

·         Tell the person how you feel. (I get angry, sad, or scared.) Use terms that describe your emotions. It’s really hard for someone to get defensive when you say, “I feel sad.”

·         Of course you have to describe the cause of your emotional response, so add a gentle phrase describing the action that causes you distress. You might say, “I get angry when you blame me for mistakes. I am afraid I’ll never get it right.” Using such a technique works far better than saying, “You always blame me for everything! You act like I’ll never get it right!” This takes practice. I suggest you figure it out before you start the conversation.

The next obvious question is what can be done when it isn’t possible to speak to the person directly. Maybe it’s someone who has died or maybe it’s someone who is inaccessible like the President of the United States. At other times, it isn’t safe to say what you think because you might get fired or being outspoken to a violent person would put you in jeopardy.

In all the cases, I suggest writing what you want to say and then making a judgment about sending it. In many cases, clients have ritually burned their writing and symbolically released their frustrations.

As a last caveat: If you find that you feel unheard frequently, you might have an emotional block from sometime earlier in your life. In that case it would be good to work with a professional, a therapist, a coach, a spiritual advisor, or an intuitive friend.

© 2007, Jacqueline Hale